WEEKLY CORVALLIS CRIME BEAT COLUMNS (ARCHIVED BY DATE):

Week of 11/12/2010:

LOCAL DESPERADO ARRESTED IN COMBAT WITH "THE RIPPER"

On Friday, police arrested famed local small-time criminal Jared Lang after he beat the crap out of another, mentally challenged, prisoner, Larry Winklepleck, in the Benton County Jail, over the issue of who was going to have control of the TV remote.  Monsieur Lang was previously arrested for stealing - a car - and for mischief ,and also served 5 and another 10 days on probation violations. It seems that stealing may not be allowed behaviour for parolees. That's no doubt one of those controlling "Socialist Nanny State" rules introduced by George Soros whichthe Republican Party  ("our only criminal class", as Mark Twain said) is trying to change.
  Mr. Winklepleck is being held for "Book Abuse", which despite its name has no relationship to the weird sex magazine fetishes of Bush-appointed Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. Instead, Mr. Winklepleck is accused of tearing pages from  "Portrait and Biographical Record of Western Oregon" in the public library. That volume is available online on this website although it may not be worth your while. There are no racy parts in the book, but only biographies of some of the leading bandits in positions of public trust in early Oregon. For example, the book contains a short biography of the assault-abettor and the Slave Power's choice for vice president running against the ticket of Abraham Lincoln in 1860, Oregon Governor Joseph Lane. Lane's reunion with Corvallis founder Joseph Avery was characterized by the Oregonian at the time as a "cackling little bunch of secessionists and escaped Negro-stealers." Negro stealer was a scathing label for those who kidnapped and enslaved Africans. 
   There is no mention of the reasons for the jailhouse dispute over the tv remote, but the incident took place at 10:58 on a Friday, just as the ever popular 11 AM PBS "Sid the Science Kid" competes with the Bio Channel's "Parole Board". All of this raises the question of why Corvallis can't have respectable crimes that don't have anything to do with book abusers, or tv remote misbehaving-fors ,or footballers kidnapping gay sheep, or  even "cackling, escaped" slavers. We

 need some train robbers or some gangsters running massive Ponzi Schemes involving billions if Corvallis is ever going to get any respect in the world of criminal justice. And the names of the criminals need to be poetically stretched a little by the press, as was done with George ("Machine Gun Kelly") Barnes or Lester ("Baby Faced Nelson") Gillis. No self- respecting modern journalist is going to settle for having an accused criminal with the name of Larry Winklepleck. Fox News has changed all that. He's Larry "the Ripper" Winklepleck now.

Week of 11/27/2010

City Terrorized by Wave of Naked Criminals including updates on the portland christmas tree sting and the fire at a local church and starved dogs

Corvallis's smalltime criminals, smarting from public criticism last week for looking ridiculous, have struck back. Now they appear to have sworn to go naked when flouting the law.  It's been an entire week of nudie crime in Corvallis.  Oregon

 State footballer Tyler Patrick Thomas was sentenced for being naked and wasted in a stranger's home. Responding cops ordered Thomas to get on the ground, Thomas refused and instead dropped into a three-point stance like in a football game and lunged at the officers. Two cops zapped him with tasers. That incident made headlines nationally.
Thomas' s sentencing followed the arrest of Nicholas Buekea, found  in the closet of a couple he didn't know. He was naked and masturbating. That incident made headlines around the world, from the United Arab Emirates to Calcutta. It was even featured on ESPN - which must have driven the sentenced footballer nuts with envy. If only Thomas'd been masturbating instead of going into a 3 point stance, he might have made the sports network news. It might have catapulted him to the Pros. If there is a professional league for naked football.
A $50,000 violin was then stolen
, which might seem unrelated except that it was taken, coincidentally, from a CLOSET, and the rightful owner's surname, incidentally, is JOY. And the violin was made by the Italians, who have perpetually managed to re-elect their equivalent of Fox News' owner Rupert Murdoch, Sylvio Berlosconi whose crudity (see video below), he has always tried to

disguise as sexuality, like the Corvallis Criminal in a Closet. In fact, this week, the nude calendar model Berlosconi appointed as his "Equal Opportunity Minister" , Mara Carfagna (below), resigned. Hmm, Criminal in a Closet - that almost begs for a recipe, like the PIgs in a Blanket which is a

favorite in the southern U.S., also involving a sausage. It no doubt originated from similar incidents. The South is famous for that. Republican candidate and Teabagger Neal Horsley admitted on radio to bestiality: "When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule." If their second girlfriend is a pig, it would account for the name of their recipe.
Subsequently, Thomas R. Elliot was arrested for lying naked near the kids' skateboard park. He apparently committed no other crime but the police might have concluded that he was just trying to think of one. That can't always be easy.
Later, a 61 year old Corvallis man and obvious tea bag Party goer, Pat Smoly, was discovered almost naked (see photo at top) in his van at a federal post office and was arrested when he called the FBI to complain about the government and threatened to blow things up to make it all good. Needless to say, that incident also made international headlines.  Significantly, no one torched a Christian church following the incident (see next item).
In a non- naked incident, the FBI says a Corvallis teen and religious fanatic (we still have 4 or 5 fanatics of all "faiths") and American student  at OSU, originally from Somalia, Mohamed Mohamud tried to blow up a crowd lighting the Christmas tree in Portland. "It's in Oregon; and Oregon like you know, nobody ever thinks about it" he told a co-conspirator who was actually a cop. (Actually, here, we think about Oregon all the time.) Mohamud was under investigation for date rape this time last year after the woman people saw in his dorm bunk trading kisses with him said she couldn't remember having sex. He was naked that night, you can bet, after a party at a local fraternity. The indictment for his latest escapade is here. The FBI provided the test explosives and the real ones and also the plan. The kid provided the motivation, the body and the noodle for a brain. If you need a Teabag Party connection, the youtube video below is posted by "DrRonPaul2012", and is entitled "Feds Stage Another False Terror Plot".  And Fox News, creator of the Tea Bag Party, referred to the FBI plot as something out of "East Germany"

If you want another Tea Bag Party connection, the kid was the author of a silly magazine called Jihad Recollections which called up belly laughs with its silly photos of jihadists doing dumb calisthenics and which idolized Tennessee Republican and Secessionist Zach Wamp. The FBI arranged things so Mahumud was put on the no-fly list to keep him from taking a summer job in Alaska over the summer rather than blowing things up in test runs, with the FBI's coaching, at the Oregon Coast. Portland Indymedia says it's "because how could he have carried out some fake bombing here in Portland if he was slinging fish in Alaska, right?"  but Tea Bag Party types are almost universally without jobs - especially in Alaska - preferring to be on the federal dole.
Someone subsequently set fire to the local mosque, where Mohamud rarely set foot and speculation in town is that the arson was itself a Teabag Party crime. Except for the destruction, the cycle is humorous, with one Tea Bag Supporter committing a crime in the name of one religion and another "retaliating" in the name of another, both devoted to accomplishing nothing more than creating a Splash. No can say about the arsonist, but Mohamud was apparently not naked when arrested. You never know with these Tea Bag types. And in Portland, you can't be sure of anyone else either.

The Northwest's Salon magazine headlined the entire incident as "FBI Successfully Thwarts Own Terrorist Plot". The Portland Mercury was blunter, referring to the incident as part of a "government-assisted terrorism plot" The rather sensationalist statement of OSU President Ray is at the end of this column. Some folks in town hoped to get enough people from town to show up for a rally in support of the Moslems among us, that they could surround the mosque. In reality, so many showed up that the entire block was surrounded and the sidewalks couldn't hold everyone. The crowd spilled off them and blocked traffic in all directions.
Finally, calls for the re-instatement of the old Christian method of execution, by shaving and burning women naked at the stake, were made - by women - after a mastiff was discovered whose owner had allowed it to slip to within hours of death by starvation, the dog weighing slightly more 1/3 of its normal body weight. Only the poor dog was naked.

Above: Accused dog- starver Erica Michelle Olsen, charged with animal neglect and failing to comply with a court order.

Below is the email of OSU President Ray:
Oregon State University has experienced significant media attention in the aftermath of the arrest last Friday night of an individual in connection with a bomb plot focused on downtown Portland. The individual in question, Mohamed Osman Mohamud, 19, was enrolled sporadically at OSU over the past 15 months as a non-degree student, but has not been an active student since early October.

The suspected arson attack early Sunday morning of a Corvallis mosque that Mohamud attended occasionally while living in Corvallis has further compounded an already troubling situation. OSU President Edward J. Ray released the following statement today:

While it is important to note that in the American criminal justice system our courts determine guilt or innocence, it is equally important to condemn the activities described in the FBI investigation of Mohamed Osman Mohamud as defenseless and reckless and having no place in civilized society. I share the outrage and shock expressed by others that anyone might have planned to cause such indiscriminate death and destruction.

We must not compound the harm already done by this incident but rather come together as a community here at Oregon State University and throughout the broader Corvallis community. With the support of that broader community we are educating our students to be global citizens and helping students learn about cultures, languages, histories and faith practices around the world. The fire reportedly set at Salman Al-Farisi Islamic Center on Sunday is an act of hate and cowardice, and I condemn it in the strongest terms. Members of the mosque include faculty, staff and students at our university, as well as friends and neighbors and are an important part of who we are as a community. They deserve our most heartfelt regrets for this despicable act and our ready hands to help rebuild what has been lost.

Some among us have expressed the desire to know what support services are available here at Oregon State for those among us who wish to talk through the circumstances with which we are dealing. Offices and individuals ready to help students may be found through Counseling and Psychological Services (541-737-2131), the Office of the Dean of Student Life (541-737-8748) and the Vice Provost for Student Affairs (541-737-3626); employees may contact Cascade Employee Assistance Program Services (1-800-433-2320).

There will be a candlelight vigil tomorrow evening, from 5:30 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. at the Salman Al-Farisi Islamic Center, 610 N.W. Kings Blvd. As other opportunities to support our friends and neighbors arise, we will share them through OSU internal media.

WEEK OF DEC. 2

ORGANIZED CRIME IN CORVALLIS HIJACKED BY 10 YEAR OLD HOODLUMS

Corvallis preteens, looking at the silliness of the city's small- town criminals, have decided the city is easy pickings and the past week has seen a wave of crime obviously directed by preteens. First, some kids went through a sliding window and stole a guy's XBox 360 Elite and his Call of Duty Black Ops game. Complained the victim: "They didn't even bother to take the controller or headpiece". Just the

Xbox and the game!
Next a couple went to Trump's Hobbies and took "a bright green radio controlled motorbike worth $349.95" and never returned with it.
Next, a woman reported her Hewlett-Packard laptop computer had been stolen and then returned that same night by the same little guy. When the suspect returned, the five girls who lived at the residence tried to hold him there until police arrived. The suspect escaped after pushing the girl who was blocking the door. The girls later located the kid on Facebook.

The local gazette says attempts by police to contact the thief were unsuccessful. Imagine that.: "Chief of Police Gary Boldizar wants to be your friend"
Subsequently, somebody stole 8 puppies and then thought better of it and hid them in a barn on the victim's property. Second thoughts apparently came over the culprit: how could you explain that to your mom? "8 of them followed me home. Can I keep them? All 8 of them?" The pups were wolf cubs.

Then, somebody took two snowboards, two backpacks and lacrosse gear out of a rental locker. Play It Again Sports was found to be in possession of a backpack and a lacrosse stick. And now ,Sponge Bob Squarepants has gone missing.

Week of Dec. 7

Corvallis Criminals Go on TV Blitz

See archives from preceding weeks here.
Update from last week's Horrible Local Crimes Column:  Although Republican leaders of the Teabag Party stirred up the pot by calling for all Jewish and Moslem politicians to be junked "to put Christian conservatives in leadership positions", the identity of their local co-conspirator remain secret to everyone but the cops.

And so no further progress is reported in the torching of a local (Moslem) church. That torching followed the arrest of an OSU student who sometimes attended the (Moslem) church, for a Christmas tree bombing planned largely by the FBI. Over the preceding 2 months, 2 other (Christian) churches had been torched, but police seem to be making no connection between those arsons and retaliation by non-Christians for the start of a trial of 2 Woodburn men connected to the highest levels of the Oregon Republican Party and the Christian leadership in Oregon. The two, who set off a bomb at a bank which killed two cops and took the leg off another,  had themselves described in the trial as "very God-fearing, very Christian"., and their grandfather founded the Christian school, the Salem Academy. Christian academies have been in the news recently.

This week's crime beat: Corvallis criminals, whose recent exploits have failed to be respected or to get much traction in media programs devoted to serious crime, have apparently decided to appeal directly to the media. Vandals were interrupted painting "Catch us if You Can" and "CHUR--" in a local parking structure.
Catch Us if You Can was a movie theme from 1965 which featured the Dave Clark Five and a church (the "CHUR--"  part of the tag?) organ converted for use as an alarm. The plot centered on a blonde called the "Butcha Girl" in an ad campaign for a firm called Meat Or Go. The

 movie focused on the impossibility of maintaining meaningful relationships in a world focused on consumerist spectacles. Like movies about rock stars.

Catch Us If You Can was also a tune covered by Barbie and her Rockers, featured on the site of Carrie Oliver, who is "just a girl who's in love with Jesus and hoping to bring his light into the world."
Barbie and the Rockers was a doll line made in the mid-1980s and had a movie Out of this World, followed by a sequel called Rockin' Back to Earth. There is even a Barbie and the Rockers Reunion Tour  for Barbie collectors, which Mattel is organizing with reference to local churches (there's that CHUR-- again) and clubs. Hint to to Corvallis cops: Since it's unlikely the suspects are old enough to even remember the Dave Clark 5, it might be that the vandals are Barbie groupies. As the French say, Cherchez la femme - "look for girls" in this crime.

But there is an even more recent theme of Catch Us if You Can, featuring the Winx Club, an Italian anime- like series for young girls.

The Winx Club is featured on Nickelodeon and has its own web site, where the Church Lady (that "CHUR--" again) has posted 3,087 times. Hint #2 to Corvallis cops: Maybe the vandal is the Church Lady. Or a young girl who is a Winx Club wannabee. Yup, Cherchez la femme all over again...

The second major crime directed at the media (not crimes directed BY the media; there were beaucoup of THOSE) involved the theft of the head of ESPN TV's Lee Corso from OSU after the Civil War. Corso, famous for his mascot head selection when he chooses a winner for ESPN's College GameDay segment each Saturday, wasn't too concerned, judging by an interview with the Orlando Sentinel"

Corso (LC): "Somebody stole my head?"
Orlando Sentinel (OS): You didn't know about that?
LC: "No, huh, uh."
OS: Yeah, somebody stole the Lee Corso head up in Corvalis (sic).

LC: "Did they? Hmm, I don't know what it is," Corso said. "That's too bad. Well, we couldn't use it anymore anyhow. They can have it. I didn't know it was gone. I left right after the game to catch a plane. They'll give it back to us."
The head had been used in a commercial for UO, with the Oregon mascot.

"I love that duck," Corso said. "Mikey the Duck. That's his name. He's great. OK, I'm picking Oregon over Auburn because of Mikey the Duck."
Two thugs from a UO cartel later rolled Corso's head like something in a Mexican bowling alley onto the lawn of an OSU employee who lives in Harrisburg. But Harrisburg has lots of pre-adolescent girls, any one of whom might have be the REAL brains behind this plot. Again Cherchez la femme ... OMG! Note to cops #3... maybe the culprit for ALL the crimes really IS a 12 year old girl, just with the kind of education all Oregon kids are starting to get and she was only mispelling "CHURCH--EZ LA FEMME" when she was interrupted. That would explain everything!

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